Thursday, October 10, 2013

I'm Not a Lipo Addict, but I Play One on TV

I do the occasional TV extra job. Once, I was a main character!
I played the tabloid version of a woman named Joanne Allen, who lives in the UK and has had liposuction several times.

Since it can be difficult to follow the story if you don't speak Japanese (and most of my audience does not), I'll tell you the story below the video.

Panelists talk for a few minutes between segments and there's a related story somewhere in the middle, otherwise it's all about me.

Now, bear in mind that the real life story probably wasn't this dramatic. They really have us dial it up.

All lines in quotations are paraphrased.

In the UK in October of 1999, Joanne Allen is about 30. She's engaged to be married, but looking at wedding dresses is both exciting and depressing. She wishes she weren't so squishy.

Fun fact: the lifted shirt and squeezed skin isn't me, it's the camera man wearing my shirt. I had to lean in real close behind him and reach around to squeeze his side. It was super awkward.

She sees an ad for liposuction and starts to consider it.
Her friends are like, "why don't you just stop eating pie?" (It was lemon meringue, and I could smell it every time I lifted the fork to my mouth, but I never got to actually eat that bite. Sad face.)

She thinks about it some more and makes an appointment.

She gets it done in Hungary as a medical tourist, but the healing process is a lot more painful than she expects. (Maybe they botched it, maybe the technology just hadn't developed yet, I'm not sure.)

But she heals up fast enough and decides it wasn't so bad.

Panelists talk for a few minutes, I have no idea what they're saying.

Post-lipo Joanne fits into her wedding dress (Holy crap, that dress was so tight! It only fit when I was holding my breath).

She gets married and has a baby.

She puts on some more weight and has a chat with her husband about doing more lipo. He's not keen on the idea.

This is a recurring issue for several years, and they ultimately split up. Now she's free to get more lipo!

She's concerned about the pain, but the doctor assures her that in the technology has gotten much better and healing is much faster and less painful.

She gets the lipo and gets hit on at a club. The operation was a success! She brags to her friends about her newfound awesomeness.

Then she starts to notice bits of fat that may or may not exist.

More lipo!
More fat!
More lipo! Wait, no! The doctor isn't comfortable with doing this many surgeries, or is booked for a month or something. FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!

More lipo!

"Nurse? Please show me the fat that was removed." Make crazy eyes at the mango smoothie fat. (I think this is thrown in to be better TV, but what do I know?)

See a friend in a park, ask her if she sees the chin and neck fat. Poke at face for an uncomfortably long time.

More fat? More fat. Maybe arms next?
Friends are getting tired of this drama. Unbelievable! They're just jealous.

SIDE STORY: young girl (not sure where) gets a Botox injection and loves it so much she gets more. And more. And when she starts getting turned away, she starts injecting things from around her kitchen into her face. It's a problem.

Back to the main plot!


One day, the doctor says basically, "I can't do more surgery, we've done everything already." Her response is kind of a vapid, "I don't understand what you're telling me."

No surgery this time.
Eating montage.
"How about now? Do surgery now?"
"No, not this time. You don't need it."

Back at home, think hard about what else can be surgery-ified.
"What else can I get deflated? Oh, I know! MY BOOBS!"
Burst into doctor's office, demand a breast reduction!
"You want a breast reduction? Well, okay, I guess."
"Oh, thank you, doctor! Thank you!"

Cut to Japanese reporter/journalist interviewing the real Joanne, end of segment.

I don't know if she ever saw this video, or how she would feel about it. Good TV, though! And being a main role was fun. Besides, the rest of the stories in that episode are equally intense and dramatic. If you ever read this, Joanne, try to take it with a grain of salt. This is their reality TV.

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